Category: Parent Talk
The last few weeks my four year old daughter, let's just say it has been as if Satan slipped thru my window. Unfortunately her dad and I are complete opposites, and he maintains friendships w people from his native country. These people make the excuse that "You can't discipline her, you will be falsely accused of child abuse" or some other such nonsense. Stuff I would never start her on, like drinking soda, he will give into just to quiet her, thinking someone whose probably had the same problem himself will call the police on him.
She has pretty much learned he will give in to her, and she is HORRIBLY behaved for him. He works second shift, I work third. I need some sleep in the morning, and the yelling, crying, whining when he doesn't give in keeps me up. His frustration is also infuriating to me. Do some people think kids will be cute little Gerber babies and Kodak moments, then get mad when they show 'em something else? What do you guys do about problems like lying on your kids' part? Disobedience? I believe in corporal punishment w a bare hand, but even that can only go so far.
I don't have any kids, but having relatives with young children - as well as friends with children - I can try to offer perspective from "outside of the situation."
Have you talked much with your husband about how you feel about your daughter's behavior? Perhaps you and he can come together on a compromise or an agreeable plan to deal with her tantrums. Children don't understand the idea of "impulse control" and will always want more, so once parents can decide on an acceptable limit, it becomes easier to reign in the little one.
Both parents have to be on the same page in terms of punishment. If one parent gives in to the child, while the other one doesn't, it's sending the kid mixed messages.
Yes I agree with all post. That is the issue, and because your husband is a male she will take his lead over yours. Until you are both on the same page you'll have issues with her. Not a good thing. Talk to someone you both respect about your issue first and she will follow.
I agree wit everything that was said. The only thing iI don't agree on is hitting for any reason. It can go too far, even if you aren't that type of person. Trust me, I've experienced being on the receiving hand of it by someone who should have loved me but chose drugs and alcohol instead. I'm not saying you're like that by any means. All I am saying is think before you hit and try to use other methods.
yeah you guys need to get on the same page. see it all the time where one parent is too lenient while the other is trying to diciplin, and the child will obviously go to the one who lets them get away with murder. I see nothing wrong with beating your kids. Not for every little thing but sometimes "stop" "no" and other such things don't get through to them.
Dad's rule though. It's just nature I suppose. A woman that has a strong father figure in the house that does the bossing really doesn't have to spank a child to much. She can say "I'm telling your dad." Smile It goes the other way as well. If dad lets the child get away with the bad stuff it's difficult for a mom to set rules. A spanking is a spanking, but beating is over board.Now once a child gets over about 10 both parents are the same, and togetherness is the best method, but doesn't always work.
Having to rely on threatening a child with their other parent is lazy and can drive a wedge in the relationship between them later on. Where do you think little kids get that nasal, "I'm telling Mom!" from?
If parents don't work together, even young kids can quickly figure out who's easier to manipulate and who's better to keep secrets from. Either you're a united front and your children see you both as parents or one of you is the pushover (to a degree) and one of you is the police (to a degree). If you think it's a problem when they're tantruming at four, imagine how much leverage a teenager could learn to gain between their parents.
well-said.
Wait till your father gets home syndrome, lol. If you don't discipline your daughter, if you constantly, give in to the bad behaviour, the child is getting loads of attention for behaviours you don't want her to display, then you're getting this thing in the mornings as you say, when you come home from work and you're kept awake by your daughter's tantrums. No matter what your husband's family says, she's your child, you raise her as you see fit, discipline is a must when the behaviour your daughter displays is not what you want to be seeing from her. I reckon the most reliable failsafe discipline I've seen to date is this: Completely, blank her, both of you, when she goes in to one, don't interact with her, don't look at her, don't do nothing, although, put her in timeout in a zone where you know she'll be bored out of her mind, but she'll be safe at the same time, or, on a chair or beanbag if you don't have a boring, safe empty room available. She is old enough to think about why she's been placed in the room or on the spot for a minute per year of her age, which will start again when she's moved off it. Time out for short. It isn't cruel, it isn't unjust, it's just the done thing, it's a consequence for the undesirable behaviour, so it shouldn't take your daughter long to associate the timeout with the behaviour you don't want to see from her. Maybe it will get you and your husband on the same page.
Jen.
miss M is right. The worst thing you can do at this point is not communicate affectivly with the child's father. Parents that aren't together will be played against each other. I watched it happen for enough years. You would be best communicating with your husband and coming up with a structure of these are things not allowed and these are things allowed. Then you need to find a way to deal with tantrums. I do not mean that corperate punishment would be the way to go. You're the parents, but beating your kids is illegal. Spanking is a choice. There are other methods how ever like time out, or removal of a enjoyed activity for a time, or depending on your child's comprihention level talking to them about why it is wrong and what they think the punishment might be that will make them think next time. You need to discuss and come up with a ferm decission that you can both stick to, and lying to each other will get you nowhere. It will just make it easier for the child to play the two of you against each other.
I do have a problem with beating children in any way. Time outs and firm talking tos work fine with the chidlren I've cared for as well as helped take care of. You should never hit a child ever.
Also the child's four years old. This will pass. From your posts it sounds like you're highly emotional and probably were given some unrealistic expectations on the outset. You don't plant an apple tree and two months later go shake your finger at it wondering why there aren't any apples on it.
Too many parents now first think they remember what they were like at that age (which is always superior to the current lot), and second compare their child at home to someone else's in public at a formal gathering in a suit and wonder why theirs at home doesn't behave like a doll.
Now that's not to say we don't have to till the soil, pull the weeds, water the sapling as it were, but it is a sapling, and parents who have these expectations look as silly as someone glaring and shaking their finger at a two-month-old fruit tree sapling wondering why they don't have any fruit. I think it's harder for moms because women compare themselves to everyone else all the time and very rarely do so in any logical or menaingful way, so it's always defeatist, the compared can never win, it's never good enough.
But on the other side of the coin, it's totally inconsiderate for the dad not to respect your wishes at least while you're sleeping. People do respond differently, and parents are no different. Things bothered my wife that never would've bothered me. However coming to an agreed-upon concensus will help and I realize compromise may be a challenge there. But remember that sapling; you won't be getting any fruit off it for awhile, but yeah we have to work at it.
I do not have any children, but I would like to make two comments, and those of you who want will disagree, but here it goes...First, sometimes, a spanking does become necessary. I have dealt with children who do not respond to time-out, privilage removal, distraction, talking too, segragation; (putting child in lonely room without interaction for set time), ETC, and a swot/spanking does work when you have exhausted all other options. I do not believe it is a first resort, but instead a last resort when all else has been attempted. Here we go with the in my day, but...Anyways, when I was young my Mom did spank, not beat me; (I'm not saying it did not on occasion go slightly overboard), and therefore I knew when she said I was heading for a spanking that she had exhausted all options and it was my choice whether I got a spanking or not. I could easily avoid the spanking by listening to what I was told. I rarely remember in those days; (in our area), children running through stores, screaming, throwing tamptrums, throwing store merchandise, ETC, but now because, "you can't spank..." children are aloud to do almost anything they want, and the parents are left with little recourse to deal with the public display. I have been very close to being injured by an out of control child in a store multiple times...Secondly, if she doesn't get on the same page with her husband, and get this under control now it won't necessarily "pass". Not with the attitudes of today...
so why have punishment instead of conciquence not spanking, but a conciquence that the parents stick to? If you don't quit pushing things off the shelves than you are going to sit in the cart. Then if they do it again follow through? Bollying a child or slapping it isn't going to do much more than it does for you or me. It's more along the lines in my oppinion if you do something something will happen in return. If you bight someone in the store you'll be asked to leave. So in turn remove the child from the situation. I'm not saying you will or have to agree, but why does this logical approach just not make sense to people? audimatically punishing someone is just going to get up hackles. Hell my siblings loved it when they'd get punished becauske. Why not teach thm anstick toour guns instead of "punishing" or "spanking" them?e it meant someone was paying attention to them. if that's the attention they can get it's what they'll ta
If there are two parents; (who are willing to cooperate), or the custodial parent has people who will assist, sure great. Remove the kid from the store and refuse to take him/her back until said child can exibit that they can behave, but what if she's alone? Is she suppose to simply not shop? I wonder how long it would take her and the kid to get hungry with that approach? I never said all other options shouldn't be tried first; (matter of fact, I think I said quite the opposite), but because a parent swots that doesn't automatically make them bad parents, abusive, or whatever. Do you know even schools will ask parent's permission to paddle? But yet, parents can't spank their own kid, but instead let school do it? Come on, that's a mixed message...
I'm no parent, but hitting the kid or any other form of corporal punishment is not at all the right way to go about it, and is in denmark at least illegal.
I can't really think of a situation where corpral punishment should really be used. All it taught me was what real anger felt like, then again, I was living with a "father figure" that went well byond spanking. Even so, we're not dogs, and their are so many more effective ways to punish in ways that actually do good. My mom was always good about punishments because they never were, they were in all honesty, a blend of natural conciquences and the like. Varery rarely were "standard" punishments used just because of how many educational oppertunities she created that taught me more effectively than getting beat. You never learn anything from that accept the strong can controll the week. And it promotes doing what you're told, not doing what you shouldn't for more solid reasons. This is one of the things that makes a difference between a horible parent, a good parent and a great one.